My TEDx Talk Is Live

We all want to keep our children safe. But what exactly does that mean? I thought I knew, until 2015. That’s when I started working as a clinical therapist in a group home for kids in the foster care system. I thought that I would only be dealing with girls not getting along with each other, or not adjusting to their new realities, but I soon found out I was wrong. I was working with a 14-year old who was always running away from the group home, never around long enough to get help. I thought she was just out partying or hanging out with friends, but I asked one of my colleagues, and what I heard was, “Oh, I think she's away with a pimp again.” If that sounds crazy to you, that was my reaction too. But I was the only one, because all of my new colleagues suspected that she was being human trafficked, which completely caught me by surprise. At that point I still had a completely distorted view of what human trafficking was and who was at risk from it. But as I learned more I started seeing the same signs in many other kids, and here are the 3 most common: running away, being secretive about partners and having money they can’t explain. Nothing that sounded too out of the ordinary for any teenager who is a bit rebellious, or going through a difficult time, but now I found out there could be something much darker behind those behaviors. And then I heard about one of these girls being raped in a parking lot, not being helped by anyone around her, and I decided we had to do better. Human trafficking affects thousands of children each year in the US alone - but very few parents realize it could happen to their families, because they don’t even know what human trafficking is. How can we protect our kids from something we know nothing about? While we believe our homes are safe havens, thousands of children find themselves in dangerous situations each year. So, what is a primary risk factor for human trafficking? The problem here is that most of us think about human trafficking the wrong way - if we think about it at all. Before I started working with kids from the foster care system, all I knew about human trafficking came from Hollywood. Back then, I thought a pimp was someone wearing a hat and a big fur coat and walking with a cane just to look cool. I thought human trafficking was like in the movie Taken, where American girls are kidnapped by a gang of Eastern European criminals and auctioned off to the highest bidder. And that's not even the craziest stuff you hear out there. There are lots of rumors that human traffickers use zip ties to mark the cars of the people they want to kidnap. They give people roses injected with drugs. They drive around neighborhoods in unmarked white vans. I've even heard that they were putting trackers on Victoria Secret's bras and following women home! I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s nothing to laugh about: It is estimated that every 2 minutes a child is trafficked for sexual exploitation in the US. It's hard to find reliable numbers because much of this goes unreported, but there are studies that suggest that number could be substantially higher than that. But what I can tell you is that in my work with kids from the foster care system, at one point I suspected as many as half the children I worked with were being trafficked - and I say “suspected” because I saw the signs but the kids wouldn't admit they were in contact with pimps, or even that a grown-up was giving them money. I also learned that a pimp is anyone who's exploiting people sexually, and they can be found in all areas of society. Not too long ago, for example, a very famous R&B singer was convicted for human trafficking. And this is a guy who's won Grammys and sold millions of albums! The issue is real, it's widespread, and it's not restricted to any one community: The average victim is 15 years old and they come from every socio-economic group, race, gender and religion across the US. This is everyone's problem. When I talk to people about this, something I often hear is, “Well, that sounds like a real danger for foster kids, but kids growing up in a nice stable home, they don't have to worry about that.” And I used to think that too, until I met Anna. Anna was a middle-child, who got little attention growing up and most of that attention that she did get was because she'd gotten herself in trouble or she was doing something wrong. She always felt like a black sheep, like she never fit in. One night she was woken up by her father in the middle of the night and he said, “I told you to wash the dishes and you didn't.” “What are you talking about?? When I went to bed the kitchen was clean!” “Don't you lie to me, you…” And he called her a word that no father should ever call a daughter. In the morning, when her dad was off to work and her mom was out with one of her brothers, she ran away. She didn't have money for food or a place to stay. She took a ride, accepted some help and before she knew it she had gotten herself into a situation she couldn't get out of. Anna was 17 when she was trafficked, and it took her years to escape. This can happen to anyone. Is human trafficking more common with kids from the foster care system and those who didn't come from a stable home? Sure. But it does take more than a roof over their head, food at the table or even two parents living together to make our families immune from this issue. Sometimes, the only opportunity human traffickers need is an unhappy kid having a difficult relationship with their parents - and which family doesn't have that at some point? So while we think about all these Hollywood scenarios that would never happen to our children, we miss the most common way in which it happens. I know this because of what happened to me when I was 12. Back then, I spent a lot of time chatting with friends on AOL Instant Messenger—for all of you young folks out there, this was the way we messaged people around the world during my time. I developed a crush on a boy I met online, a boy that I never met in person. We talked about our day-to-day, like how even though I loved being a cheerleader and wearing that black and yellow uniform, I was also a bit nerdy and introverted. My mom would tell me, “ain’t nothing wrong with you girl. You’re fine just the way you are “ - but I never felt like I fit in. I told him everything I was up to and he was such a great listener. Over time, we chatted more and more, and eventually, he started asking me to meet him in person. He’d say things like, “I’m coming down to California with my family soon. Do you want to hang out?” I’d respond, “Yes. I’ll ask my mom!” and she'd tell me, "Sure, as long as I can meet him and his family.”  And I’d think, “Great, now all I need is for her to get ‘positive vibes’ and we'll be good.” But each time I did, something strange would happen—he’d disappear. For months, I wouldn’t hear from him. Then, suddenly, he’d show up online again, and the same pattern would repeat. This happened over the course of many years. Only after I started working with kids being trafficked it dawned on me that's what he was trying to do. I believe I was speaking to a human trafficker, someone grooming me without my knowledge -which happens to thousands of kids everyday. People worry about kidnapping, but most of the danger is online, on dating sites or social media like Facebook and Instagram. Nearly half of all kids online have been approached by someone they thought was trying to manipulate them, or had someone they didn't know ask them for nude pictures. That is already happening to 9-year olds. We need to realize human trafficking is not a dramatic movie plot but a risk to everyday families. It can affect every community; it can reach into stable homes; it does not matter how much money you have, where you come from or the color of your skin. The main risk factor these kids have in common is this: They are alone - or feel alone. They don't see their parents as people they can trust, people they can share their life with. They are looking for a connection they don't have at home. So here's how to make sure YOUR  kids don't become victims of it either.    In this digital world, anyone in the world can have access to your child, so we need to take steps to protect them from online grooming. There are many ways you can do that: You can “Friend” your kids on social mediaInstall parental control apps or software on their devicesTell them you forbid certain websites or chatsCreate rules about their internet usageHave direct access to their accounts All of these approaches CAN work, but you might not want to play Big Brother in your kids' online life and, let's be honest, if they really want to do something you don't want them to, they'll find a way. So whatever you decide to do, I suggest you START by asking them questions like these: “What would you do if you met someone online and they asked you to go somewhere and hang out with them?What if they asked you for pictures?What if they offer you money?”Or asked about where you lived and who you live with?” Their answers will tell you how aware they are of these dangers, and what their instincts for dealing with them are like. There's a good chance some of what they'll say will be far from ideal, but you need to resist the temptation to give them a hard time about it. Instead of judging them, taking control or telling them what to do, focus on making them feel they can talk to you about anything. If they think they'll get in trouble, they won't trust you with things like this anymore. If they believe you're there for them, there's a much better chance they'll come to you if something happens - just like I did with my mom. But I was lucky. Without that relationship, I wouldn't be fighting human trafficking now - I'd have been a victim of it. Because human trafficking is not like what we see in Hollywood. The way we fight it is not with fists or guns. We do it by loving our kids.  By talking to them. By letting them know we've got their back, no matter what. And, if we do that, we're not only protecting our children from human trafficking. We're also building much closer and stronger relationships with the people we care about most in the world.